i ask how.

how do you prepare for the end ?

how do you prepare for the lasts ? for it all to just become a memory?

how do you let your heart feel it all ? 

how do you hold the excitement of home & sadness of goodbye? 

& how do you begin to think about good-bye? 

how do you say good-bye to "excuse me ms tiffany? " being asked at least one hundred times in a day? to being the source of all the needs of 5 girls that have your heart? 

how do you say good-bye? to talks on the front porch swing & tears as you hold the shaking body of a girl that has held on to pain for too long. & to the smell of the tack shed & the pieces of hay stuck to your socks 

how do you begin to let go of this life that took your heart & changed it? 

how do you prepare to enter back into the world where the answer to how are you?  is  i am fine . where the real true emotions are often hidden & it seems like the "real" world is a whole lot less real then this life lived here in our little house? 

 & how do you let go of the pain that comes when you realize that so much healing is yet to happen but we just don't have time left? 

i ask God my questions & He answers in unnexpected ways. 

i see an answer in the dawn. the room checks while the world is still dark. i hear an answer in the sputter of the baby truck as we pull out to chores.in the verses read after our breakfast is consumed. in the clatter of dishes & the chatter of ranchers. i hear it in the rythmn of the routine at work. i hear the answer there that to prepare you must lean in & see Him in it all. 

i feel an answer in the tears. i feel it in the anger. in the acceptence. i feel Him draw close & i wonder if He desires to hold this trembling child tight. i hear Him say that in it all He is near. i feel Him answer in ways i have never known Him to answer. & is it because in moments like these i am grasping for any small piece of His hope to hold on to? 

& in searching for the answers i have rested into acceptence. & in my frantic reaching out i find that always my shaking hand lands into the steady hand of my Father. so i let go of my questions of how. i rest them into the hands of the One who knows exactly how. & they come still. it's real. letting go is hard. but He has the answers. 

october is here. 12 days of ranch have begun. a nod to the 12 days of christmas. this brings another question that i ask at breakfast this morning.what is your plan for the next 12 days? how are you going to use them? the answer came quickly. " i am gonna live in the moment"  the ranch answer i was most definitely expecting. i wanted more. so we kept talking. have you ever considered that how much effort you are putting into your physical work could be a mirror of how much effort you are putting into your healing/mental journey? new thought. for the ranchers & it most definitely was a "thank you God for words" moment for me. the discussion continues & i hold on to the answers God is giving me in these moments. 

& i believe that if you are willing to look & listen. God will give you answers to your questions in ways you may not expect. you may have to dig deep to find acceptence. yet He is always near. His hand is always steady. He is the master of the how. 

holding on to the good & the hard, the happy & the sad, i take a step into our lasts days. 

please pray. for our hearts. for our thoughts. for our ranchers. 

until next time. 

ms. tif